I am back?

 Wow, 

It has been a hot minute since I updated this blog, I was not sure if I should reblog again or If I should just journal in a word document and save it somewhere on my computer where no one would read it. But. I do not care if anyone came upon it, it's not like I am incriminating myself for a crime that I did or did not do. It is just a bunch of nonsense, To you. But, to me, It is how I survive. 

A lot have happened since I last blogged. I got my Bachelor's degree in basic science, I traveled the world, I worked in a hospital in London, I graduated med school and I became a doctor, I have been to Coldplay, Blue and Florence and The Machine concerts. I have met wonderful people that I now call friends. I laughed, I cried, I enjoyed my time, I was depressed, I was anxious, I was loved, I was alone. I have lost friends and family, I read new books and watched old movies. Many things have happened since 2016, and things are still keeping on happening. For instance, I am living through a global pandemic that has been spreading since December of last year and I do not know if it is going to be eradicated anytime soon, because there are many stupid people in this world and they will not rest until they drag all of us to death with them. Anyways, 

I am writing again just to feel something, to let it all out, to be at peace with my mind and heart. I am not very good with spoken words, so writing and reading was my mean of an escape and I do not know why I stopped, I just did, and now I am trying to get this blog back up to business. 

I was finally and properly diagnosed with Depression one week before my 24th birthday. "Finally" is such a funny word to use in this sentence, It is like I was anticipating getting this awful illness. I was not. The truth is, I have had this overwhelming feeling of sadness and hopelessness since as long as I can remember, but this time I finally got the courage to seek professional help. I am very open with my struggles because I see myself as a survivor and not as a victim, and if I got to help only one person, I would be so happy. But it still hurts that everyone know of my pain except for the people closer to me, they just would not understand and I am tired of explaining myself over and over and over. I am tired of them jumping into conclusions and assuming they know what is best for me. I am just going to go where the tide takes me with the, just to get them off my back. 

I have so many things on my mind, I do not know where to start or how to start. I feel like I am being smothered by everything that is happening in the world right now. I can not ignore it. There is so much hate and corruption going on, greedy politicians robbing the poor, bombings, genocide, racism, islamophobia, homophobia, honor killings. It is just too much for me to handle, It is like we are here to suffer and pass. Nothing is ever easy and nothing will be. All of this is a bunch of chaos and you only need to be kind to survive. 

I only started to blog again to let my repressed feelings flow. Antidepressants and anxiolytics work like wonder, but on the one hand, I no longer have suicidal tendencies, but on the other hand, I feel numb. I feel nothing at all. I have not cried in months, I have not been angry or frustrated, I felt joy but it was temporary. I want to feel something again, anything. So maybe blogging would help me feel again. God, I hope I keep it up this time for real.